Only the Lonely

The word “lonely” has an unavoidably negative connotation. No one wants to be lonely. But the irony is this: you don’t actually have to be by yourself to be lonely. You can be at a packed baseball stadium, a high school prom, or even board meeting and feel utterly alone. On the flip side, you can be by yourself and feel totally at peace, with no desire to be accompanied by even one other person. I think I lead a life that is equally balanced in both scenarios. I don’t know if that is good or bad, I just know that I experience both feelings in a fairly proportionate ratio.

I bring the subject of loneliness up for three reasons: (1) I was really lonely last week, so it’s on my mind, (2) I think that loneliness is a way in which we come to identify with Christ and (3) I think loneliness has been around longer than anyone realizes and thus is not a negative thing, but rather a natural outflow of something divinely instilled.

Why would loneliness be a way in which we come identify with Christ? Doesn’t that imply that God is lonely? Well… yes and no. I don’t think God was lonely and so decided to create us, humans, for fellowship. That would, in fact, imply that He is not wholly and completely perfect, without need, desire, etc. in and of Himself.

I think we come to identify with Christ in our loneliness because when He came to earth, He took on humanity in all its’ depravity and yet maintained His total divinity.

I would imagine that being God and simultaneously being man, would be a lonely state of mind and heart. How do you connect with someone else? How would you manage being in perfect communion with God, while concurrently being completely removed from unity with Him in literal presence? No one could understand. No one could relate, sympathize, or offer consolation. How could they? Doesn’t that illustrate loneliness?

Webster defines loneliness as “destitute of sympathetic or friendly companionship; standing apart; isolated.”

“Destitute of sympathetic or friendly companionship.” Nailed it. Not how the church likes to paint Jesus’ stint on earth, but I think it might encapsulate it perfectly. No one on earth, could really, truly, or literally say that they could share in His sorrow or affliction.

To me, that is the worst feeling.

I hate it when you tell someone about something that you are going through or experiencing and they say “I understand” when they really can’t.

“No you don’t,” I think defensively. “Have you literally walked in my shoes this past week? Have you actually had the same, identical pain in your heart and burden on your spirit that I have carried? Then you don’t understand.” That to me is loneliness. When you are utterly alone in your experience or understanding of a situation or circumstance; when no one has walked beside you through the slush and slime of a distinctly crappy season in your life’s journey.

That’s a lonely place. That’s where I was last week. And that’s where I think we identify with Christ. When no one can honestly say they have “been there, done that.” No one but Jesus. And that is enough. At least, it should be enough to offer us complete consolation. It needs to be enough because I have a feeling there will come a time when that is all the only offering of comfort we may have for a time; Jesus saying “I know.”

Come to find out, I wasn’t alone at all. In totally desperation, I took a step into a sea of vulnerability, told someone exactly what was going on and instead of saying “I understand; I know just how you feel,” she sat there quietly for a moment and recounted her personal testimony of an eerily similar time in her own life.

Did not see that coming. And suddenly the loneliness lifted.

I have been reading Donald Miller’s “Searching for God Knows What” and this subject of loneliness was given its’ own entire chapter. In it, Miller noted that loneliness was not necessarily an outcome, or consequence of the fall. Before sin, man lived in perfect relation with God. And yet (this is my favorite part) “there was no suitable helper for Adam” (Genesis 2:20b). Let’s break it down.

Adam, created perfectly in God and for God, was placed in a perfect setting, daily walking with and communing with God. And what? God said, “It is not good for man to be alone.”

So even when we are in a right standing relationship with Christ, even when we are walking with Him, talking with Him, even then, we can be discontented, we can feel …without. Adam was lonely. Go figure.

I can’t begin to tell you just how much encouragement and comfort this brought me. I often mistake my feelings of loneliness for a lack of faith; a gap in my walk with the Lord. This then, creates in me a nearly frantic feeling of having (as opposed to wanting) to spend more time with Him in my quiet time. But the catch is that my quiet time is then no longer about Him, but about me, and filling my need for companionship.

So this realization that no matter at what level our relationship with Christ stands, the feeling on spiritual yearning, physical longing, and emotional want for someone is addition to Him… that, that is normative. It’s not a reflection is something we’re not doing right or haven’t done enough of. It’s there now because it was there in the beginning.

My hope is this: the way in which God satisfied Adam’s longing, so He will also satisfy mine.

I only hope He doesn’t make me do something as time consuming as naming all the animals to buy time. My biological clock is ticking.

Epiphany

I had a revelation this morning. Due to a freak blizzard last night, the office was delayed in opening until 10am. I didn't get that information until after I had gotten up at 5:15 and just about walked out the door at 6. I was hoping to get the office early to log in some extra hours that I lost last week when another blizzard had closed our doors.


Going back to bed wasn't an option; I had already downed about four cups of coffee. So I grabbed my computer and went to Panera for some free internet... and more coffee.


As I sat in Panera, with about 20 gentlemen who kept looking at me like I was some sort of alien, I grew increasingly irritated. "All I want to be doing right now is working 'on the clock' and making up for the hours that Mother Nature selfishly stole from me last week. My next pay check is going to be so small. This is rediculous. I have things to do, meetings to go to, emails to return, and reports to edit."


As I sat thinking about how out of control I felt over my life and how it may just being unraveling before my eyes and slipping through my fingers (dramatization is a actually fairly accurate portrayel of my feelings.... which is so sad) I felt God gently whisper, "This is just where I want you."


Pardon?


"You are in fact not in control of your life. I ordain where you go, how you get there, and what you do. What may seem to be unfortunate weather patterns that prevent you from 'clocking in' are in fact my ways of keeping your dependent and focused on me, not your pay check."


*blank stare*


Then it dawned on me; I'm just like my dad. "Daddy" has to hold the remote control, even if he doesn't change the channel. I don't know what it is about having it in his hand that makes the whole experience of watching TV that much better... but it is a non-negotiable. He has to hold it.

I'm just like my dad, only I my "remote control" is my planner, my calender, my time, and my bank account. It was a sobering realization at 6:30 in the morning. I didn't want to think about just how small my faith was and how much I don't act like I trust in His provision when I say that I do.

Just one more thing to work on. One more thing to overcome. One more way in which I realized don't look like Jesus. And all I want to do is look like Jesus.

So I'm frusterated about that. And yet, I feel as if I have reason to rejoice. Because what if I never realized that fault? What if my eyes were never open to those things which are hinderances to the progression of my faith? I would never look like Jesus. I would never become more like Him, the way that He has called me to.

So I'm ok with this restlessness; I'm ok with being unsettled about those things that I need to work on because at the end of the day, I think that's the Spirit stirring up in me what He desires and stifling what it is that I desire.

John 3:30 says that "He must increase and I must decrease."

Easier said than done. I want it anyway.

By Your Side

Here are some lyrics to a new song that is rocking my soul right now... By Tenth Avenue North.

Why are you striving these days? Why are you trying to earn grace? Why are you crying? Let me lift up your face, Just don't turn away.

Why are you looking for love? Why are you still searching as if I'm not enough? To where will you go child? Tell me where will you run, To where will you run?

And I'll be by your side, Wherever you fallIn the dead of night, Whenever you call, And please don't fight These hands that are holding you, My hands are holding you

Look at these hands and my side, They swallowed the grave on that night, When I drank the world's sin So I could carry you in, And give you lifeI want to give you life

And I'll be by your side, Wherever you fall In the dead of night, Whenever you call, And please don't fight These hands that are holding you, My hands are holding you.

Cause I, I love youI want you to knowThat I, I love youI'll never let you go.

And I'll be by your side, Wherever you fall. In the dead of night, Whenever you call. And please don't fight These hands that are holding youMy hands are holding you.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J95rAr0gOFU

Something I am Pondering...

"God is most glorified in us when we are most satisfied in Him." I don't know who said it.
But I like it. A lot.
And I pretty sure I agree whole heartedly. Because if someone is holistically satisfied in Christ, doesn't that mean that they are wholly and completely consumed with Him? Wouldn't that mean that they are totally abandoned to Him and prepared to be radically obedient to His call and His will, no matter what it is? I think so... but that's just me.
I think that to be satisfied in God, we must be content to be unsatisfied with everything else; there is nothing else, here on earth or in this life, that stirs our affections for Christ and to Christ like Christ Himself.
He is a jealous for us. What an odd picture of a Holy God. He is jealous for me, my time, my thoughts, my desires, etc. He wants all of me, all the time. The Creator of the universe... is jealous over me?
Thinking of Him in that way, in that light, makes dim every other offering presented to me on a daily basis. The internet is not jealous for my time, yet in it consumes most of it. Few of my friends would say that they are in fact jealous for my attention and conversation, yet I freely give it to them.
Imagine then, the satisfaction that awaits our souls if we give to God of ourselves the way in which he craves. Could it be that if we were to transfer our attentions from those things which do not satisfy to Him who does, we would finally find what it is that we are all so desperately seeking?
And if in fact we simply did this and found true and complete satisfaction at its' source, I would then venture to say that our praise and glory of God might be that much more genuine, in spirit and truth.
At the end of the day, is that not our total purpose? To worship, praise and glorify our savior? Whether in word or deed? Are we not simply asked to love Him with all that we are?
So it comes full ciricle: Find satisfaction in Him, glorify him more completely, find continued satisfaction, continue to glorify Him.
And no part of the cycle is of our own doing or in our own power. We do it because He has freely bestowed the grace on us which makes our unworthy pursuit possible. And we can only continue to pursue by the strength that He supplies, so as to continue to give us reason and evidence to praise Him for His grace and provision. Round and round we go.

For Global Food Crisis Day

I work for an organization that specializes in releasing children from poverty, so this subject is not only personal but familiar. But just because poverty’s impact is constantly on my radar, doesn’t mean I understand it anymore than the next person or that I (or anyone I work with) have figured out how to “fix it.” There are some days, in all honesty, that the more I know and learn about this epidemic, the more insurmountable it feels.

In searching for a new understanding and vantage point on the subject, a thought came to mind that may be a little unconventional. By this I simply mean that, more often than not, it feels as though the Church is looking for the list of things to do as opposed to understanding what it is that we are supposed to be. In Romans 7, Paul says that we are released from the law and are now under grace. The Law is representative of all the things we used to do when we were captive to earning salvation. But grace released us, prisoners to the law, from the bondage of earning redemption; grace lavished salvation over our souls at no cost; outside of anything we have done, beyond what we would ever be capable of doing.

In chapter 8, Paul writes it this way: “For the law of the Spirit of Life (grace) has set you free in Christ Jesus from the law of sin and death.” Again, the “law of sin and death” are those laws which, while the Lord gave us as standards, the church (in my opinion) has made ultimate; and they are no longer standards and guidelines for living or being, but are rather absolutes for doing.

Why the emphasis on doing versus being? I’ll tell you. I think that the misunderstanding and mingling of the two is, at the core, the problem that birthed poverty.

To “do” or the act of “doing” according to Webster means to “perform, execute, or accomplish.” According to our very action-oriented, output-obsessed society, these are all good and praiseworthy things. The equation seems to be busyness = productivity = holiness. But won’t the well run dry at some point? If you are only ever and always doing this and that, at what point and where do you renew your source of energy, passion, vision, direction, etc.? When do you stop to remind yourself the reason behind all the doing? Because if you are anything like me…the reason behind much of what I have done in the past morphs into a less-than-noble form of habit.

On the other hand, to “be” or the act of “being” means “to exist or live; to belong.” Call me crazy, but that sounds a heck of a whole lot more appealing than “doing.” To “exist” is something that happens outside of your own ability or will. If you exist, it is because Someone created you to exist at this appointed time and in the appointed place where you while you read this. In other words, it is outside of your control; you had nothing to do with it.

A few of my favorite verses have to do with this very subject. For example Philippians 1:6 says that “He who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ.” So not only is God doing the “doing” but is in fact a continual process. Our role: to simply be. Be available. Be obedient. Just be.

The other verse that relates to this is found in 1 Thessalonians 5. After giving a list (Remember, I didn’t say that we weren’t give a list of to-do’s, I just said that they are not ultimate; they are not bigger/better/more important than our relationship with the Lord) in verse 16-18—“rejoice always, pray without ceasing, and give thanks in all circumstances”—Paul then says in verse 24 “He who calls you is faithful and He will surely do it.” So again, God does the “doing” and we are called to “be.”

So here’s my take. If we, believers, seek the Lord wholly and completely, above anything and everything else, would not the natural outflow of our hearts, minds, bodies, money, time, etc. be spent on and given to those things, people, places for which the Lord is absent? If we were so utterly consumed, from the inside out, with the Word and the Holy Spirit, would not our sole desire be to be Christ to those who do not know Him? Would not we feel totally compelled to share Him in the way we live, as testimonies, in the darkest places?

I think we would. But being pre-occupied with “doing” these things, instead of letting them naturally pour out of us, takes the divinity and sovereign control out of the hands and responsibility of God. In other words, I wonder if, in our “holy intention” we don’t steal from the Lord what is rightfully His (i.e. our complete surrender and total obedience) and make it look like what we think it ought to look like. And in doing so, we actually accomplish less. We get overwhelmed. We get confused. We run out of resources. We run out of time. We run out of ideas. We run out of strength to press on because our strength is never enough. In relying on ourselves, we find our attempts unfruitful, broken, and ultimately, we find that they fail.

So let’s connect the dots then to poverty.

If we, as a body of believers, stopped striving in our own ability and strength to be the hero of different situations and circumstances, and instead simply allow Christ, dwelling within us, to do what He wants through us by our simple obedience…how much more might He be capable of doing by our being?

If we are to look like Jesus in our living and being, then shouldn’t we compare ourselves to Him? Fine, let’s start with the obvious. When was the last time you fed someone on the street?

Jesus fed 5,000.

I don’t look like Him. Do you?

Beautiful Dream

Do you ever wake up knowing that you dreamt about something, or even several things, in an intense and vivid alternate-reality, but for some unknown and unexplainable reason, you can’t actually remember it enough to explain to anyone?

Please tell me I’m not alone.

…………………………….

Well, I had a dream like that last night and I can only remember a small fragment of it. But it was the most amazing thing. The magnitude of it, the incredible picture that it painted for me, didn’t come to light until mid-morning when I was sitting at my desk.

I wish I could remember how it started or what led up to this, the only part that I remember, but I guess I’ll just have to start with what I know.

It was dark. Pitch black. And I was alone. Running. I don’t know if I was running from something or just running in order to more quickly discover where exactly I was.

Then, suddenly, still in the dark, I literally ran into the arms of a man. Bigger, taller, stronger. He completely encapsulated me. And it wasn’t an abrupt run-in either. It was as if he saw me coming, opened up his arms, and gave in with his body to ease the blow.

It was so real I could feel it. I could feel him standing against me, holding me up. I could feel his arms firmly and gently wrapped around my waist. I felt his breath on the nape of my neck as he rested his cheek against mine.

When I opened my eyes, I was no longer in the dark. It was bright out.

And we were dancing.

I wish I knew how to properly express just how many ways this registers with me on a deep and unbelievably personal level. It hits home emotionally, physically, but primarily spiritually.

Maybe I’ll expand upon it later… but for now, I want to keep it just for me. It’s somewhat of a treasure today and a hope for tomorrow.

Contentment

“I have learned to be content whatever the circumstance.” Philippians 4:11

Paul, while being denied every comfort, wrote the above statement from a dark prison cell.
A story is told of a king who went to his garden one morning, only to find everything withered and dying. He asked the oak tree that stood near the gate what the trouble was. The oak said it was tired of life and determined to die because it was tall and beautiful like the pine tree. The pine was troubled because it could not bear grapes like the grapevine. The grapevine was determined to throw away its life because it could not stand erect and produce fruit as large as peaches. The geranium was fretting because it was not tall and fragrant like the lilac.
And so it went throughout the garden. Yet coming to a violet, the king found its face as bright and happy as ever and said, “Well violet, I’m glad to find one brave little flower in the midst of this discouragement. You don’t seem to be the least disheartened.”
The violet replied, “No, I’m not. I know I’m small, yet I thought if you wanted an oak or pine, you would have planted one. Since I knew you wanted a violet, I’m determined to be the best little violet I can be.”

Others may do a greater work,
But you have your part to do;
And no one in call God’s family,
Can do it as well as you.

People who are God’s without reservation “have learned to be content whatever the circumstance.” His will becomes their will, and they desire to do for Him whatever He desires them to do. They strip themselves of everything, and in their nakedness find everything restored a hundred fold.

Now I know what you are thinking, “Does this girl write any of her own material?” Yes, I do. But more often than not, what I write about is inspired by something else I have read. Thus, I feel obligated to share with you what stirred me to write the things that I do. That being said…
I have a love-hate relationship with “contentment.” I love the idea. I aspire to be content in almost all areas of my life. I want to be content in my place at work, where I live, my relationships, and who I am. I’m not like everyone else. In fact, like the story, I am like no one else at all. But often times, I like oak and pine tree, wish to be another version of a Compassion employee, a female, a friend, or to have another talent of gift set. Like the grapevine, I sometimes wished I produced a different kind of fruit.
You know the saying “Jack of all trades and master of none”? I think I personify that pretty well. There are days when I find it encouraging. Sometimes I like the idea that I can do many things fairly well; I’m diversified, malleable, and equally as excited about this thing as that thing. However, the older I get and the more I find myself in the world of adulthood and business, I wish that I were brilliant in a very specific, useful, and extraordinary way. I wish that I was talented or gifted in such a way that made me renowned, important, respected, and sought after. I understand that this perhaps is not the most holy or humble desire. I’m not proud to admit it either…I’m just saying.
Granted, I am still young. Perhaps the Lord is developing something in me now that will result in me being used in a big way in the future. Is it just me? Does not everyone want to be a hero in at least one chapter in their life? Does not everyone wish to be the person that has the right answer at just the right time? Not necessarily for personal glory, medals of honor, or 15 minutes on Fox News, but rather for a more tangible confirmation of their intrinsic value. God tells us over and over of our worth; of our inherent significance simply because He made us. We are priceless and purposed simply because we were born by His grace. While this is truth, I still, in my flesh, want to taste it.
It is this discontentment within me that I am disgusted by and I’ll tell you why. It is entirely possible that I will never be known by the masses for anything that I have ever said or accomplished. It is likely that the only people I may impact will not remember my name. My mailman knows my name but not my heart. My co-workers know my principle responsibilities while I’m at the office but they don’t know who or what I am beyond our building walls. If I don’t get married, no one may ever know my thoughts or suspect my fears by simply looking into my eyes or holding my hand. I may, just maybe, leave this earth completely undiscovered.

More tragic than that is this: being so self-involved in my own popularity, being so consumed with my future glory; being so nearsighted that I miss even the smallest opportunity to love my neighbor, to serve the stranger on the corner of the street, to simply sit in the stillness and majesty of a mountain range and realize how little I really am. I fear that my selfish discontentment with whatever my current circumstance, will blind my eyes and distract my heart to the beauty, freedom, and joy of living beyond myself.

This leads, ultimately, to the kind of discontentment that I want to bear; the kind of discontentment that I pray for. I never want to be content in my current spiritual standing. I don’t want to fall prey to the allusion that I have figured it all out, that I have nothing more to learn, and that I can coast into heaven on my accrued spirituality. I pray that I never grow so comfortable, so complacent in my walk, that I simply stop seeking to grow and realize the Lord in a new way. I pray the same for you dear reader.