Monday, November 3, 2008

Hard Heart No More

I rediscovered something about myself recently that I already knew। In fact, I have known for a while.
It’s one of those things that I won’t deny। I can’t. It’s too obvious.
I’m guarded.

Not guarded as in shy or reserved. In fact, most people would say I’m the opposite of shy; loud (unintentionally), outgoing, and boisterous at times.

But, like the shy person, I have developed ways in which to hide my insecurities. I guess everyone has.

My lovely mother pointed this out to me yesterday. On the one hand, I appreciate the fact that she spoke truth into me. Of course, I was immediately defensive and offended. “I have my reasons,” I thought to myself.

On the other hand, who likes to have their flaws pointed out? Who wants to deal with their baggage?

Then I heard the Lord ask “Why do you want to carry your baggage around?”

My deeply intelligent and oh-so-holy response: Because I’m comfortable with it; I can control it. And I can use it an excuse; a defense mechanism of sorts to ward off potential threats of… *fill in the blank*.

Picture with me if you will someone unknowingly digging themselves into a deep hole. That’s me. Moving on.

A girl from college once told me “Meredith, be careful you don’t guard your heart so much that you make it hard.”

I think I’m closer than I ever meant to get. And I’m not sure how I got there. So, instead of trying to pick apart my past, I’ve decided that I want to move forward with my future.

So I’m starting with prayer. A lot of prayer. Asking the Lord to soften my heart. That in and of itself is a harder prayer than I though it would be.

The one thing that I have noticed about being guarded is how scared I am. And I am tired of being scared. Because once I get over one thing, something else comes up.

Change, vulnerability, and the like are persistent things and I have run out of places to hide.

So, with fear still intact but with the decision to ignore it, I’m going to go out on a limb and do new things, trust more people, and try not to live out of my planner.


Steve said...

Anyone who admits they aren't like this, is living in a river in Egypt!

Keep on, keeping on!

Anonymous said...

I know all too well what being a planner is like! You know it's bad when you make a trip to the grocery store and if a item isn't on your list, then you don't buy it. I actually have kept a separate list for items that I had forgotten to put on my original list so that I don't forget it the next time. Nuts? Most definitely!